Q: My husband isn’t interested in doing therapy or any other kind of relationship work even when I plead with him. I don’t think things will get any better if he refuses to work things out with me. My friends think there are ways I can cope without his involvement, but I just get angrier as time goes on. What can I do?
A: He is gripped by his fears. It’s hard to tell where the fear comes from, but just notice that he is resisting your invitation to take classes or talk things over in front of a therapist. Resistance is part of the process of healing what is broken. It is best to meet resistance with gentle openness. Instead of coping by yourself (which isn’t working) or hardening your position by reiterating your desire to seek help or even using threats in hopes of getting his attention (which will heighten his fears), try to say what you feel about yourself at this time. When you sense you and your husband are drifting apart in your marriage, don’t tell someone else, tell your spouse. It might sound something like, “I feel scared and lonely at times. I want to be a great wife to you, but I’m afraid I’m not meeting your needs. And sometimes my needs aren’t being met.” Be prepared to say one thing you need: “time alone with you” or “couples nights with friends.” Give him your truthful feelings. End with “I want to do everything possible to make our marriage work.” This approach takes courage because your question suggests that you may have already stepped some distance away from your marriage. You have to step back in it to get to where you need to go.
Q: I love my wife and am committed to working on our marriage, but I feel angry about how difficult it is at times and often catch myself fantasizing about getting out of the relationship. What can I do to stop thinking about other women and being free?
A: Your anger has nothing to do with your wife. Unless she is violating a boundary you need to maintain (her telling you what to do and when, for instance), your anger arises from your own long-held beliefs and expectations conflicting with what is actually happening around you. Also, attractions and fantasies are a normal part of life. I sense you don’t reveal these thoughts to your wife because you are ashamed of them. You feel guilty and blame yourself for being “wrong” in “betraying” her in your thoughts. You also seem to be frustrated – a key sign that you aren’t “getting your way.” You need to give up trying to make her comply with your beliefs and expectations about a committed marriage and start acting like you are committed. A key component of A Great Marriage is transparency. Express your feelings to her. Let her know what you want (A Great Marriage) and your feelings of frustration and anger about not getting there as yet. Tell her you don’t know what to do. Let her in on the fact that you are afraid things won’t work out, so much so, that your internal “fight or flight” mechanism starts looking elsewhere and you feel ashamed of these thoughts. Another key aspect of A Great Marriage is equality. You must be ready to let her be revealing, as her feelings are just as valid as yours. As you both reveal yourself to the other, a new bond of explicit love and respect will replace the old one of separately loving the other for unspoken reasons. You will discover, much to your delight, this is how true commitment is created – out of a process of being without your ego as you bare all about who you are inside and who you are becoming with your wife fully informed and involved. One more thing could be at play. You will have to make a change or two. It may be your “habit” to withhold your feelings because you are extremely afraid of revealing yourself. Your “habit” may be to work things out internally to avoid speaking feelings you are ashamed of or hate yourself for having. You may need help (the first and second course at TCFM, a therapist or some other marriage education forum) to address your fears of revealing yourself and to practice new habits of disclosing your real feelings. Who said “It’s time for change?” If what you are doing is not working for you, then change is the answer. It is clear that your approach so far is not working and should you continue, one of your fears – losing your marriage – will come true.
Q: My husband ridicules my feelings and seems impatient when I’m trying to voice my concerns about our relationship. When I ask him to tell me what he thinks, he clams up. It makes me not want to tell him things and I believe he’s holding back, too. How can we ever get anywhere if he wont’ listen or talk to me?
A: You are making a sincere effort to work on relationship issues, but your husband is afraid and feels like he is under attack. He needs to stay in control (his made-up notion of safety) so he doesn’t participate. Internally, he probably thinks that he can eventually blame you for nagging him and he is, therefore, “right” about his position to hold his ground. It is his convoluted internal logic, but note it has nothing to do with you. I would guess he does this non-revealing act with everyone – to protect himself from being hurt and painfully out of control. He is also extremely self-critical and he carries this judging mentality into all conversations. He doesn’t listen to you when you say things that frighten him. He judges you instead and he doesn’t want to be judged by others (he is worn out from judging himself) so he does not offer anything that could be attacked. It is often called insecurity, but it is rife with underlying fears and controlling behaviors. You need to change your approach toward him because the one you’re using doesn’t get the results you want. Start over. You can definitely say this: “I need help on my communication skills. I’m going to take the first course at TCFM. It would be a big help to me if you joined the course, too, or help me learn new skills if you don’t. Will you help me out?” You are looking for kindness and gentleness. Offering up both is on the path to getting what you need.
Q: We always fight over money. Why is that? When we met it seemed we both had the same values about earning and spending, but now that we are married it seems a constant battle.
A: First, let me say you are not fighting about money. Money is a trigger for the arguments, but what you are fighting about is two different views of how to “control” things when you live as one. Money gets you charged up because it touches many areas within each of you (fears, beliefs, notions of self-worth, expectations, etc.), probably more than parenting issues do. Money touches almost every one of your fears and is part of a whole host of beliefs. Pursuit of money drives you to seek financial rewards in your work life. You have each been developing an “agenda” around money for most of your lives. If you are young, I recommend calling a truce on money where both of you agree to give up control. Then, in turn, have each of you describe your history with money. Stick to your own experiences and impressions from your past. Don’t talk about your household finances as they are now, just stick to the “facts” about your past. Then wipe the slate clean and start over. You really do not know anything about money. You just have old stories. You literally made it all up. Financial matters are practical exercises for couples to build understanding and commitment. Here’s all the advice you need to know: Spend less than you make in after-tax income from your jobs. Do not accumulate consumer debt. Learn how to invest what you save so you are financially well educated and can eventually have income from several sources. You learn the most about investing via experience so start small. If you want to be wealthy, learn to build businesses so you can create assets to be sold and then invest the proceeds. Always decide how the two of you will give money to others in need or causes you support. Do all of your financial work together. If you are older, your notions about money may have become frozen in stone. You know the saying about “teaching an old dog new tricks.” Well it applies to money. Try to separate your finances so you both become financially independent because continuing to mix your money under two different and distinct ways of dealing with money will only cause great strife that will threaten your marriage and your health. Seek peace through accommodation where you both contribute some amount to the household to keep it going, but retain for yourself independence over the remainder. If one of you does not work for a living and you both agree it is important for that person to manage the home, also give control over money matters to the one managing the home. Again spend less than your income and work together on learning to invest and in creating businesses (assets) to sell and give money away. Money, like love, is abundant. You cannot be reckless with either money or love. Treat them with care. You can accumulate more of both when you are truly giving and can receive them well.
Q: You are not a trained therapist or coach and you don’t have a long track record of success to draw upon. How are you qualified to teach relationship classes and consult with couples and individuals on these difficult issues?
A: I have been doing this work for several years receiving comments ranging from a lukewarm, “Thanks, it was helpful,” to a heart-felt “You saved my life.” Here is one that keeps me going:
“Bill MacReynolds has been an invaluable member of my personal development team by "nudging" me toward the places I needed to examine and reassess in my life. His finely-honed listening skills, gently probing questions and insightful suggestions have helped me find greater fulfillment and happiness within myself and develop more meaningful relationships with others.”
Should we work together, I spend a great deal of time getting to know who you are. I am not just looking at the symptoms of anything that make relationships difficult for you so you can change a few things and feel better for a while. I am interested in taking you as far as we can go to create a great relationship. I want your relationships to be great because I believe we all deserve it in our lives. I ask you to be curious along the way. I teach and in real life practice “personal awareness.” This way of living draws on the work of Eckhart Tolle, Tara Brach, Wayne Dyer, Pema Chodron and many others. As adults, we can indeed look at ourselves as being contained within a large rock. All we need to do is to chip away the unnecessary exterior to reveal our true, wonderful selves. In the work I do, I am constantly aware of whether people I work with are “closed” or “open” in their thoughts and actions. Being more open prepares us to excel at relationships and I “nudge” people in that direction.
There are important personal skills to nurture to make A Great Marriage or relationship. I draw from experts in the relationship field to help people hone their skills. Most of the work, however, is a journey to within through the layers we have placed over our true selves. Oprah calls it the path to being connected, present and alive. As Tolle says, it is the ego that maintains our suffering and in the stillness (without ego) where we find out who we truly are. Marriage or any relationship is the opportunity life gives us to travel within, accompanied by a loving presence.
I have been divorced twice so I jokingly tell couples “at least I know what not to do.” There is some truth in that statement because we learn to take responsibility for our actions from our mistakes. I have learned that habits of behavior that don't work to fulfill what I want in life can be changed. I am in a relationship now and I learn more about how to create great relationships every day. I have laid out a few ideas in my internet blog on “Have A Great Marriage.” (www.haveagreatmarriage.blogspot.com)
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